What is a life worth living?

I've had this question floating around in my head for some time. Try to drive my actions, it obfuscates the more I try to focus on it, so I think it's time to isolate it and move on. A final analytical requiem or be it an echo chamber soliloquy to align whatever this is.

What is a life worth living?

Stupid fucking question I know but I can't seem to shake it, the general answers are:

  • Live with purpose
  • Pursue goals
  • Have a family
  • Find love
  • Find passion
But analysing it more carefully and egotistically about myself. What does it mean for me to live my life, what makes it worth living? I generally anticipate some existential dread, some self imposed unreachable goal to keep the self busy, to attain, to hold in high regard that brings about envy from peers and pride from family. But what does that do for me?

Lets take a stark and impermanent look at this.

Life is a timeline, the universe is born, the universe ends, you are a spec. So... why not kill myself now, if nothing is worth anything, why continue. It reminds me of this paraphrased quote by Albert Camus:

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest — whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories — comes afterwards."

I always turned to philosophy to find meaning in my life. Using it as a tool to look past the petty and materialistic goals and enjoying the moments. And for a long time I was lost, I feel philosophy is an abyss of arguably correct information based on where you are at in your life.

You fall into the issue of never questioning anything versus questioning everything and entering a state of choice paralysis. If my life is rich and I get my one go around, how do I know that this is the correct path. 

I've generally lived believing that, doing whatever feels good is right as long as you aren't hurting others, I still think that's the case. Something I always neglected to ask was, to what degree am I okay that the thing I enjoy is what I actually want to do. 

As an example. I can not work, I can sit at home playing games all the time, is that okay? sure is. Would I want to do this? no, but why?

I actually cant tell you other than, I get bored. So what do I want to do. I want to make games that impart a story, to entertain, to challenge. Why? I have nothing important to say that no ones said before, I dont want to be hailed as someone of worth, I dont want the attention, money would be nice so I dont have to worry about it, but what does it do for me?

It's important to me, as a way to express myself.

And I think that is plenty, the message may not be the most important, most people may not understand what I meant, people may even mock what ever it is I do. They may say "oh thats shit, I can do better", they may say "thats amazing, keep up the good work". Ultimately whatever they say doesnt matter because, I made it because I wanted to as a way to express a thought, a way to fill the void with purpose.

Most people understand this, most people have or want this. Where I think it gets fuzzy is in the pursuit. Life gets hard, maintaining a mindset is hard, seeing through the same stained glass windows is difficult. Bad shit happens. So how do we correctly keep this in check?

My end goal has always been "make my own stuff". Now, great goal but you need money, so you need to actually release stuff. You need time to work on stuff, an idea. So you work at a bigger company to make more money, to get more experience, to make a better thing. And I think the problem is so abstracted away that you can actively pursue the dream, even build the creative vision around the dream, and forget to what end each role plays. Get frustrated at the mundane, beat yourself up that you didnt do "enough". That you are on this finite timeline and shit needs to work now.

I get it. Its hard to be patient on a finite commodity such as time. So spread yourself out, find joy in as much as you can. You will fall short in one area, you will fail. But in failure is understanding and in frustration is acceptance. 

So live your life, make a choice, and give everyone the utmost respect. Unless they are trying to extort you for money, tell them to fuck off.